The true you cycle
This Cycle shows why you are who you are, and will ultimately help you figure out how to become who you choose to be.
The Treat Phase—what happened to you
The way we are treated by our caregivers, school personnel, coaches, relatives, and all the people we encounter in our formative years, shapes us. We may be born with genes and temperament, but the way we are treated has a tremendous impact on who we think we are because it initiates this Cycle. It doesn’t mater if we consciously remember what happened or not, our bodies store the information for survival purposes.
The Believe Phase—who you think you are because of what happened
Based on how we are treated, our brains and bodies adapt and we develop thoughts and feelings—beliefs—about who we are. Our beliefs about who we are create the energy for how we show up in our lives. Some of us have agency and find our purpose. Some of us don't want to leave the house. The path we take depends on how we think and feel about who we are.
The Behave Phase—what you do because of who you think you are
Our behavior tells the world how we think about who we are. Eyes down, shoulders slumped, mumbling and nervous? What happened? Not contributing to the team’s effort at work? What is the mindset behind the behavior? You’ll find they match energetically.
The Teach Phase—how you keep the Cycle going
When we behave in a way that shows the world we think we are less-than (perhaps we have shame from a childhood of neglect), the world responds. We are teaching people how to treat us based on our behavior, and the Cycle begins again, reinforced.
The impact
Can you see how the way we are treated informed our beliefs about who we are? And then we act on those beliefs by behaving in a way that teaches people how to treat us. We repeat patterns of survival that we learned at a time when we were too young to have any choice in the matter.
If Ken was continuously abused by his father, he will believe that there is something inherently wrong with him. His entire system—mind, brain and body—will adapt a default state of being reactive, protective, and in survival mode. He will live low in his brain, sacrificing the opportunities of living higher in the brain.
He will develop strategies that keep people from getting close to him for fear they will see all the reasons he was so cruelly rejected by his father. He may be hostile at work and underperform. He may insult friends and not get invited to all the parties. He may be quick to temper and scare people because he had no role model for how to manage his emotions.
The reasons why he behaves the way he does is lost on him. He has a belief about himself and has not stopped to challenge the assumptions or where they came from.
Ken will do a number of things to show the world that he is not worthy of connection, or valued, or that he matters because this is what his father implicitly made him feel. And the world will respond in like manner. He won’t get the promotion (I knew I was a bad worker). He won’t be invited to parties (No one likes me). He will be rejected by women after one date (I’m unlovable). He will sink deeper into despair.
How does someone like Ken turn things around?
Ken will need a lot of skills that were likely not available to him as a child. He will need to self-reflect in an honest and self-compassionate way in order to move out of the handcuffs his father’s abuse placed on his life and into a life of meaning and connection.