FAIR ENOUGH
It’s normal to feel and be stuck when we experience unfairness in our lives.
When asked after shooting up their school and aiming at their fellow classmates why they did it, most school shooters shared this: “I didn’t feel like I fit in.” They felt teased, lonely and rejected. Importantly, they didn’t know what to do with the corresponding thoughts and feelings related to their despair.
When we lack the skills to manage emotions, we typically choose one of two directions that eventually lead to either shut down and numb out, or anger/rage. Of course, there is a continuum, but, again, I’m talking about a lack of skills here.
Shut down and numb out is when we do more than just try to ignore or avoid emotions. This looks as it sounds: people may become depressed, dissociate and/or reach for drugs and other addictive behaviors.
Shooters are in rage mode. Rage often stems from resentment over a perceived injustice. Those kids who felt rejected experienced childhoods riddled with unfair treatment. Story after story, we hear how the explosive tragedy was precipitated by something that pushed a button of a deeply held pain seeking retaliation, revenge and retribution.
And it’s not just kids or schools. Some adults who grow up with an inability to regulate emotions, who are stuck in a reactive, survival state, are doing the same disservice to society, whether rude to a colleague or threatening a community.
The point here is to bring to light the trigger that creates far deeper and broader issues contributing to the ills of the soul and therefore the issues in society: fairness.
The lengths people will go to right a wrong—to seek justice—are shocking. For example, the dark web offers assassins for hire. Some of these assassins are actually sting operations set up by law enforcement who are finding seemingly “ordinary” folk hiring agents of death. Why? “He cheated on me.” “She got all the money and never worked for it.” “He took my dog just to spite me.” These are issues of fairness that people are willing to risk their futures and even kill another human over just to feel a taste of retribution.
Ever been cut in line? Got a colleague who steals your ideas as her own and gets rewarded for it? Or a team “leader” who uses intimidation and screaming to motivate?
Those of us who align with our pro-social tendencies feel triggered by these moments, sensing their unfairness. We naturally don’t like people who cheat the system if the system in place is deemed fair. In fact, unfair treatment hits the same areas of the brain as physical pain and causes the release of cortisol. You may as well punch someone in the face when you cut them in line.
I hear it over and over from clients: “It wasn’t fair the way my parent treated me. Now I have terrible thoughts and feelings about myself and I can barely function.”
Or something terribly unfair kept happening. “Everyone knew I was the better fullback, but the coach only put his son in that position. That he got away with that has pissed me off ever since.”
The sadness and rage are palpable. I get it. Their childhoods and their sense of self were stolen by an unreasonable, thoughtless, emotionally-stunted adult who was often raised in a similar manner, perpetuating an unconscious cycle of dis-regulation and rage.
Unfair behavior is not just rude, it goes against humanity and limits our potentials. In fact, not only does it feel nearly impossible to “let it go and move on,” we actually remember, consciously or not, who was unfair to us and to what degree as part of our wiring for survival. Even our furry friends are wired for fairness. Forgetting the deep value of this inherent pro-social skill is wreaking havoc on us individually and collectively.
But there is something we can do about it.
The next few posts will show how fairness shows up within us and therefore throughout our lives. Its impact is intense, and, as you will learn, it’s a fundamental issue I hear in private practice as a therapist.